Ketigapuluhenam

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'Rasa macam tak sedap hati.'

'Debar debar je rasa, kenapa eks?'

Have you ever been in this situation? Where you feel that something is wrong yet, you can't put your finger on it. You just don't know what you did wrong. Did you miss something out or your habit?

Is it the iron still switched on? Or the fan? Or the aircond still running?

Often than not, when I'm having such feelings, I will think of people close to me, like my mom or my sibling or my friends. Like last Friday, I was a nervous wreck, my heart keep pounding hard for no reason, I was in a state of giddiness.

And my mom was warded for sepsis, and I cannot go back. It's been a week after raya and those who knew me, knows my routine of balik kampung, I only go back once every month. Once. Not because time constraint but more to financial.

It's not like I don't have enough monies but I don't have them in hands.

I remembered telling one of my best friend that I was not really having a good day:

Then I remembered crying, hard. As if the lights has been switched on, I realised what was wrong.

I was worried for my mum. I was so worried that most terrifying thoughts flew through my mind.

I remembered heading straight to the ward from office, was crying like half of the time. I ended up speeding, normal than usual it cut 30 minutes from normal timing.

I slept with my mum for 2 nights and left KL on Sunday.

Today I was still wondering why.

Why I failed to see what was wrong at the first place?

Why I need someone else to flick the switch?

Why it has to be you?