Keempatpuluhenam

Vague is 2015. 

Like really, I was asking myself what I have done in 2015. And, I need help from Mr Zuckerberg to remind me what had happened in the year 2015. Here a recap:

1. January 2015. The Kluang Hoax. I will not be a victim. Ever. Not anymore. Lesson learnt.

2. February 2015. The Malacca Getaway with Roger. No repeat though, not looking forward too.

3. May 2015. The Langkawi Trip. Awesome. Might repeat but different venue.

4. July 2015. The Birthday Bouquet. Thanks for being the year highlight. Lybsm.

5. August 2015. Raya Haji dan Ibadah Korban yang pertama. Alhamdulillah.

6. December 2015. Really moving on from past relay.

Thank you 2015. You have been awesome. I have made it through. It could be hateful, it could be cruel. But I made it baby. Thanks to you.

I

I think I have fallen for you.

Keempatpuluhlima

Easy for them to judge, and go on with their life.
And their judgment, lingers.
Their words, shreds what little courage and confident that I have.
I cannot be like them for I am weak.
But if being weak keeps my sanity and dignity, I would rather be a weak person.
I can't help myself but to compare.
I will never be as succesful as them.
There are things that stopping me.
And I want, really, to be stopped.

Keempatpuluhempat

How I wish I could free fall.
No fear or whatsoever.
Empty, peace of mind.
Embracing the moment.
But, I am afraid.
Not just falling.
But the idea of falling itself.
Torture.
I feel myself leaving my sanity behind.
I wish somebody will catch me.
Figuratively.

Keempatpuluhtiga

In 40 days.

Where would you be.

What will happen to me

I pray for you always.

Since the first day til now.

Look what we got.

Here it's evidence.

Love unconditionally.

Cherish every moment.

You are always near.

You are here.

Forever in my heart.

Please.

Dun give up on me.

Dun let me be.

Keempatpuluhdua

Yesterday was my first of many.
Hopefully I will be consistent.
I have invested a lot.
And I know.
You will be there to give me support.
And I will be here giving my all.

This is my new year resolution.

Keempatpuluhsatu

Ever since that day I have spoken.
For you, I will stop waiting.
My world take a pause.
I did not realised until I weep.
I was broken.

I thought I would be happier, but Im not.
I thought I would be free, but Im scared.

Too much temptation, for I am weak.
Better to wait for you than to weep.

Keempatpuluh

True, I am an emotional wreck.
At times I will cry while watching movie.
Or reading books. Regardless if it's a happy or sad ending.

Growing up, I cried a lot too. I can't stand watching my siblings cried, I will end up crying too.

I don't choose the time to cry as sometimes it is on impulse.
I don't choose to take offence either.
Maybe because I am a bit weak today, makes me extra sensitive and I am bawling like a maniac.

I know you dun mean it. Or you were saying it in a good way. You never hurt me. If you did, it was never your intention. But baby, today, I was hurt.

And you will never found out why.
I will make sure of it.

Ketigapuluhsembilan

You know that torn feeling?

The one where you really, really want him to read your blog and at the same time, you wish to remain hidden for as long as possible?

Aah.. how I wish.

I know for a fact, he will not stumble into here. He is far too busy for bloghopping. But, Im way too cautious, I will not jeopardise whatever we are having right now for a cheap thrill of a blog post.

I hope he wont find me here.

Hehe.

Ketigapuluhlapan

"No matter what you are.
You are never fake."

I dun have to pretend Im someone else.
I dun have to live in a fairy tales life.

My life is real.
My struggle is true.
My pain is irrelevant.

I caught myself looking at you.
And I saw self pity.
Yet I dun pity you.
You bring all these upon yourself.

I am real.
My profile picture is real too.
Gone were the days where I would use cartoon characters or someone else photo.

I have grown up.
I have mature in some ways.

But hey. Im still the same person that you have known me for.
Im still as cheerful. As gay. As happy.

Again I caught myself looking at you.
Your effort in return for attention.
Your drama in return for affection.

Well, Im not even trying.
And this thing right here, aint a game.
We are not competiting. Its not a competition. And he is not a trophy.

Yeah, how I pity you.

I hope you will find solace.
If happiness you seek, I hope you will find it.
I hope it will never too late for you.
To find love in the correct places with the correct person.

At least, that's what you need to do for yourself.

Tidak menzalimi diri sendiri.

And B. Get well soon.

Ketigapuluhtujuh

I am optimistic.

 

Happy anniversary b, we are one year now.

a year of joy

a year of happiness

a year of hope

a year of contentment

a year of us

many more years to come! 

Ketigapuluhenam

...

..

.

'Rasa macam tak sedap hati.'

'Debar debar je rasa, kenapa eks?'

Have you ever been in this situation? Where you feel that something is wrong yet, you can't put your finger on it. You just don't know what you did wrong. Did you miss something out or your habit?

Is it the iron still switched on? Or the fan? Or the aircond still running?

Often than not, when I'm having such feelings, I will think of people close to me, like my mom or my sibling or my friends. Like last Friday, I was a nervous wreck, my heart keep pounding hard for no reason, I was in a state of giddiness.

And my mom was warded for sepsis, and I cannot go back. It's been a week after raya and those who knew me, knows my routine of balik kampung, I only go back once every month. Once. Not because time constraint but more to financial.

It's not like I don't have enough monies but I don't have them in hands.

I remembered telling one of my best friend that I was not really having a good day:

Then I remembered crying, hard. As if the lights has been switched on, I realised what was wrong.

I was worried for my mum. I was so worried that most terrifying thoughts flew through my mind.

I remembered heading straight to the ward from office, was crying like half of the time. I ended up speeding, normal than usual it cut 30 minutes from normal timing.

I slept with my mum for 2 nights and left KL on Sunday.

Today I was still wondering why.

Why I failed to see what was wrong at the first place?

Why I need someone else to flick the switch?

Why it has to be you?